Be a lady!

Hey everyone!  It’s me, Elizabeth Wakefield, of the famous Wakefield twins.  Recently my (twin) sister Jessica (Wakefield) has been watching ‘Se* And The City’, a new show that’s just started on the Television.  I must say, I am appalled by it’s content.  Being a young woman of class I find the show’s overtly aggressive attitude towards s*x most unbecoming.  Where have all the good ladies gone?!  If it’s not Amy Sutton tarting herself out all over town, it’s Samantha Jones saying the ‘f’ word AS A VERB.  

With that in mind, I have put together a list of helpful tips which I think constitute proper feminine behaviour.  

1. When in doubt, go with a twinset. 

Twinsets have been around since before you were born, hey before your grandparents were born!  There’s a good reason for this: they’re classy.  I have 8 different twin sets in beautiful pastel hues, so when I wake up I can slip into whichever colour suits my mood.  Yellow – happy! Blue – thoughtful, pink – pretty, mint green – cheeky, cream – perky, etc.  I also have a black one for the funerals of mine and Jess’s dead friends and boyfriends, and one decorated in pearls for when I’m feeling really glamorous and racy.  They’re perfect for first dates because they say, “Yes I’m smart and prim, but later I may well remove my cardigan and you’ll possibly catch a glimpse of my elegant shoulder”.  Wow wee!  Twinsets: keeping girls girls, for 60 years. 

2. Never ever call a boy

I was going out with my first love Todd for the whole of High School and I only called him once.  And that was simply because I’d been in a coma after we crashed on his motorbike and when I woke up I thought I was the kind of girl who wore miniskirts and winked at people.  If you break this rule and call a boy you might as well go to School the next day wearing red lipstick and a top with thin straps.  You’re basically laying it all out on a plate for any drooling High Schooler to tuck into.  And that’s simply not ladylike.  

3. Do your best to convince your boyfriend that girls don’t use the lavatory

I don’t mean that you should tell them you just pee in the middle of the street or something, but that you should try really hard to make sure your boyfriend never thinks of you doing this most unflattering of things.  I was so good at this in High School that Todd genuinely believed I didn’t have any bodily functions.  When he started dating a new girl I received quite a few baffled phone calls, I can say!  I think he still thinks Jess and I are miracles of nature, perfect and unblemished in this…area.

4. Don’t chew gum

Are you insane?!  Seriously spit it out,  what’s wrong with you?!

5. Be a Disney girl

It may seem childish to idolise cartoons, but I am a proud believer in the Disney ideals.  Disney girls are beautiful and petite and never get split ends, but they’re also passionate, have a great sense of humour, and care about animals.  If a Disney girl realised the cheerleaders were putting pressure on a chubby girl to lose weight so she could join the team, they would do the right thing – help said girl lose weight.  If a Disney girl was working on a helpline at School and a boy rang up asking how he could be cooler, they’d instil in him the right morals – join the basketball and ditch those glasses!  Disney girls are fun, friendly, and full of wise advice.  

6.  Smile!

All the time.  Never ever stop.  Unless you have to cry, in which case do it without getting all red and sweaty.  But that’s it – smile or cry, nothing in between. 

Stay perfect guys!

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