Elizabeth’s Guide To The Perfect Date

So I just got home from the most perfect date ever!  It was with theis amazing guy called

Um

Yeah and he took me to this really romantic restaurant, it was European!  We had real bread instead of breadsticks!  They had plastic tablecloths patterned to look like gingham!  At one point he leant over and said, “if you were a guy I think you’d be amazing at benchpressing”!  Then he asked me to “spot” him, so today I’m going out in the Jeep to follow him around town and write down his location, then run up behind him and shout “Peek-a-boo!”  Because that’s what I think spotting someone is.

Of course the perfect date is no accident, it takes planning and forethought and careful attention to detail.  Jess and I have had years of practice, so I don’t think any of you should expect to ever have a perfect date, but with my advice you might have a pretty darn good one!

Step 1:  Preparation

When you get asked out by a guy you should never ever say yes.  You must wait till he’s asked you three more times, preferably at a football game, in front of the entire School, so then everyone knows how popular you are, before you agree to be taken out.  And if he asks you during the week for a date that weekend, you must always refuse.  Only ditzy girls don’t have their weekends booked up over a week in advance.  When you accept the date you should giggle while covering your mouth, then walk away, looking back ONLY ONCE at him.  Any more times than that and you’re being way too forward.  On the day of the rendevous (Italian for dinner) you must allocate at least 6 hours to prepare your mind, body and spirit.  With every first date comes the possibility that this boy may be your future husband (providing he lives up to your 20 page checklist, obviously).  So…

a. Body – If, like me and Jess, you have perfect hair and skin, this part shouldn’t take too long.  If you don’t then I suggest you invest in this stuff called make up.  Apparently you rub it into your face, count to ten, turn around three times and then eat a slice of cheese.  It makes you look better.  At least that’s what Jess told me.

b. Mind – As I said, this boy may well end up being the father of your children so it’s important to find out what those children would look like.  I always request a selection of photos from my prospective date which I use to create a picture of what our cute little babies would look like!  It can be tricky getting the eyes so they don’t look weird, but you’ll get the hang of it!  I always wait a while before I show the guy our baby pictures because sometimes they don’t get it.  I also brush up on my Geography, History and current events.  Things like why Mall of America is really cool, and how Bill Clinton is the most perfect man ever!

c. Spirit – I don’t know why I said this because I’m not actually Religious.  At least, I don’t think I am.  Let me go ask Jess.

OK Jess says she doesn’t believe in ghosts either.

Step 2: Ordering

It’s imperative that you only order food that can be placed into your mouth easily and swiftly.  However you should also order food that makes it clear you’re a relaxed girl who enjoys indulging every once in a while.  Yet you should also display a social awareness with your choice.  So…um….get a burger.  BUT NEVER EVER A CHEESEBURGER. 

Step 3: Conversation

You should do your best to find out everything you can about your date.  I often prepare a list of questions beforehand which I write on index cards and take with me in my handbag.  Then I nip off to the bathroom to consult them as the night goes on.  You want to make sure that you’re always the one questioning him, and not the other way round.  Here’s a conversation from last night as example:

Him: So what’s it like having a twin sister?

Me: Well what do you think it’s like?

Him: Err…I dunno….weird I guess

Me: Why do you think it’s weird?

Him: Um, well, just because she looks like you and stuff

Me:  Do you really think she looks like me?

Him: Yes!  I mean, she’s your twin!…Oh but that’s not to say you’re not your own person

Me: Are you your own person?

Him: I think so 

Me: You think so?

Him: Don’t you think I am?

Me: Don’t you think you are?

Him: Huh?

Me: Huh?

Him: OK…Hey do you wanna make out?

Me: Do you think I want to make out?

Him: No

Me: Correct. 

And so on and so on.  Pretty revealing stuff!

Step 4: Leave on a high 

The idea of driving around in his car for a while after the date, talking about life and love and hopes and dreams might seem exciting, but trust me, it’s not.  You need to save that stuff for later on in the relationship.  First dates you just want to get in and then get out, all super quick.  There’s no point hanging around to see if he’s got a sense of humour or can spell – let him be mysterious!  That’s why I always ask Jess to pick me up from my dates at 8.15, straight after the main course.  I make an excuse like, “Oh my goodness I just realised I made an error on my math homework!” and run out of the restaurant really dramatically, usually bumping into several waiters on the way and causing a huge hub bub.  Not only is this memorable, it also makes it clear where my priorities lie.

Of course Jess is often late, or doesn’t turn up at all, so then I have to hang around the restaurant for ages, and the guy always sees me and tries to talk to me, so then I have to run off into the night while he makes a half-hearted attempt to follow me, and it takes me about 2 hours to walk home in my pumps.  Sometimes the guy will get in his car and drive up next to me as I walk, suggesting I get in the car.  When he does this I scream as loud as I can for as long as I can until he goes away.  That’s what happened last night. 

Can’t wait till he calls!!! Eeek!!!

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Comments
2 Responses to “Elizabeth’s Guide To The Perfect Date”
  1. Jessica Wakefield says:

    Oh was I supposed to pick you up? I wasn’t with Todd. Making out in your room. I was not doing that.

  2. Chase says:

    No, but I was!

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