Here’s the post you’ve all been waiting for – the TOP FIVE JESSICAS OF ALL TIME! Culminating in ME! (Spoiler Alert)

There aren’t a lot of Jessicas in history, unless you count the ones that don’t show up on the front page of a Google search. The first recorded Jessica in history was a character in a play called The Merchant of Venice, by Shakespeare, whose sister is in one of my favourite ever bands. Jessica is the daughter of Shylock who lends some money to some rollerbladers or something, maybe to get kneepads. I don’t know how they stretched that into an entire play.

Before Shakespeare, you can find people called Jessica in the Bible, which is the religious version of Vogue. In Christian Vogue, the people aren’t called Jessica, they’re called Jeska, which means ‘she who can see into the future’. Well I can see into the future and I predict that in ten minutes I will be sitting by a pool doing something which I actually find interesting, which is tanning, so we’d better make this quick.


5. Jessica Mitford

Accessorise your Barbies to tell them apart

Oops. Maybe shouldn’t have started with this one. Just got to ask Elizabeth something, hold on.

Ok, so Jessica Mitford was a member of an important Yiddish (BRITISH, Jess – Elizabeth) family in the 1930’s, who were a lot like Barbies in that they looked the same but each had their own special function and accessories. Two of them were Fascists, which is something you must never, never get confused with ‘fashion’ in a history test, three of them were writers, and one of those three was a Communist, and that one was Jessica. She moved to California in later life and disappointingly wasted this fabulous opportunity by writing papers about social affairs. Jessica was also called Decca, which is confusing but not as confusing as trying to read the letters they wrote to each other, which are written in a code language entirely made up of names you give poodles.


4. Jessica Rabbit

Someone get this lady a stylist

Jessica Rabbit is almost as hot as me, right? Almost. But what I don’t understand is how come she is a cartoon and the rest of the movie is a real movie? And never mind the fact that Roger Rabbit is a – hello?  – rabbit – he’s also a goofball and a dork. My suggestion to Jessica Rabbit, other than checking if your dress clashes with your hair before you make a movie, is to hook up with someone with more obvious good looks, like Johnny Bravo. People say that it’s the inside that counts but I don’t think that’s true, and anyway, there’s probably not very much inside a rabbit other than grass and poop.


3. Jessica Wakefield!


Oh this is only number three? Really? But I’ve written so much. Ok –



3. Jessica Simpson

One of history's iconic blondes

Jessica Simpson is a new singer slash model, which, from experience, is one of the best types of slash model. I don’t know if you remember the time I modelled for my mom’s friend’s cardigan catalogue, and the other time I did karaoke at Lila’s birthday party during her ‘ironic’ phase, but if you can imagine those two things at the same time, you’re close to understanding the sheer, exhilarating high of being in the presence of a singer slash model. Beauty is a big enough talent on its own, but when you mix it with a tasteful r n b sex beat and an ambitious vocal range, you can move mountains. I would not be surprised if Jessica Simpson was the first recipient of a Nobel Prize for singing. It is extra cool that her first album is called Jessica, I assume after me.



2. Sarah Jessica Parker

TV is a bad move Jessica Sarah Parker!

Sarah Jessica Parker’s parents made a huge, HUGE mistake choosing the order that her names come in. She is a quite good film actress but recently she mostly stars in crappy kiddie movies like Hocus Pocus and Mars Attacks!, and this can only be down to the fact that her first name is putting people off. I heard things have gotten so bad that she’s had to sign up for a TV show, playing a writer. What a dead end! I highly doubt Sarah Jessica Parker will be as famous as Jessica Simpson in five years time. She’ll probably be waiting tables with other ex-famous people like the woman who played Mannequin, Kim Cattrall. 


1. Jessica Wakefield!



We’re here! The best Jessica EVER…

Jessica Wakefield is the most amazing person in people history! She’s beautiful and hot, and good-looking and attractive! And her sister is smart so YOU do the maths! Seriously, you do the maths because I haven’t done my own maths homework since 1991.




Someone finish this post for me please.

One Response to “The TOP FIVE JESSICAS of ALL TIME”
  1. Ben Hall says:

    It’s got to be Jessica Fletcher for me – brains, beauty and lots of murders around her. Er, I mean after Jessica Wakefield of course. She’s totally awesome!

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