Current Affairs With Jessica!!!

CURRENT CURRENT CURRENT…

CELEBRITY HORROR…

News is coming in this morning of a horrific event at the Glastonbury festival in England, London.

Ok it was last month, but I’m in California and sometimes the sun shines for 6 weeks straight and then we’re a month behind England.

Anyway.

KEANU REEVES, star of STAND BY ME –

Oh, that’s Corey Feldman? Really? The one where he kisses River Phoenix? Ah My Own Private Idaho…Sorry…

KEANU REEVES, star of KISSING RIVER PHOENIX, was VICIOUSLY ASSAULTED at a farm festival in London last month, while playing BASS GUITAR for his band Dogstar.

God knows why these awful farmers decided to pelt Reeves, one of the best-looking actors in the world, with bottles of what was reported to be urine. Sources there at the time say that a computer made them do it, and that nothing is real.

The pelting was not a result of ¬†Reeves’ bass playing, as he had not yet played a note during the 40-minute set. Said a friend, “He doesn’t like to move quickly, or at all.”

Jessica says: “Keanu Reeves is a really famous celebrity. He is friends with Socrates, and he has been to the future. He has amazing hair and a motorcycle. I don’t think people should throw things at him, and I think he should take me on a date.”

Stay tuned to this column for more important breaking news as it breaks, but a month later.

And watch this amazing new video from Dogstar, for their latest single 32 Stories. Does it contain a chilling warning about the Matrix? 

The Matrix - Were we warned?

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Comments
2 Responses to “Current Affairs With Jessica!!!”
  1. Matrix? What’s that?

  2. Pete says:

    @editorinchimp

    The Matrix is some sort of futuristic steam powered machine that makes popcorn

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