Current Affairs With Jessica!!!



News is coming in this morning of a horrific event at the Glastonbury festival in England, London.

Ok it was last month, but I’m in California and sometimes the sun shines for 6 weeks straight and then we’re a month behind England.



Oh, that’s Corey Feldman? Really? The one where he kisses River Phoenix? Ah My Own Private Idaho…Sorry…

KEANU REEVES, star of KISSING RIVER PHOENIX, was VICIOUSLY ASSAULTED at a farm festival in London last month, while playing BASS GUITAR for his band Dogstar.

God knows why these awful farmers decided to pelt Reeves, one of the best-looking actors in the world, with bottles of what was reported to be urine. Sources there at the time say that a computer made them do it, and that nothing is real.

The pelting was not a result of ¬†Reeves’ bass playing, as he had not yet played a note during the 40-minute set. Said a friend, “He doesn’t like to move quickly, or at all.”

Jessica says: “Keanu Reeves is a really famous celebrity. He is friends with Socrates, and he has been to the future. He has amazing hair and a motorcycle. I don’t think people should throw things at him, and I think he should take me on a date.”

Stay tuned to this column for more important breaking news as it breaks, but a month later.

And watch this amazing new video from Dogstar, for their latest single 32 Stories. Does it contain a chilling warning about the Matrix? 

The Matrix - Were we warned?

2 Responses to “Current Affairs With Jessica!!!”
  1. Matrix? What’s that?

  2. Pete says:


    The Matrix is some sort of futuristic steam powered machine that makes popcorn

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