A Guide to Twins by Jessica Wakefield (school report)

A lot of people ask me what it’s like to be a twin. I think that’s so lazy.  I always say, why don’t you go and be a twin yourself and stop asking me about my experience?
 
Anyway, last semester I had to do a school report and I figured since I’ve answered so many lame questions about twins, I was probably an expert, so I picked twins as my subject. As it happens, I’m not an expert. I got a really bad mark for that paper, and I had to do it again. Apparently they were looking for something more than just the differences in mine and Elizabeth’s personalities and how you could work it out from what we were wearing.
So fine, I did it again. With categories, and research. Are you happy now, Mr. Cooper? 
 
Elizabeth, can you check this over when I’m done? And delete this sentence? Thanks.

This is Jessica’s Guide to Twins

There are lots of different types of twins. You can get identical twins, and you can get popular twins, and then there are twins in mythology and also there are some twins in history, ie Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen when they were babies. 
 
Here are, roughly, all the different types of twins you can get:
 
1. Historical/ mythological twins, same thing
2. Twins on TV
3. Twins that are actually one person
4. Musical twins
5. Novelty twins
6. Fat twins 
 
Take any set of twins, and you will be able to assign them to one or more of the above categories. For example, Jedward ‘John and Edward’ Grimes, from a place called Ireland, are not only category 5, but also category 2, after their recent performance on Celebrity Big Brother. They also might be category 3. They are not any of the other categories.
 
In another example, Brenda and Brandon Walsh, from Beverly Hills, zip code 90210, are categories 1 and 2. They also belong to a separate, but not rare, category 7 (Sexual Novice Twins), 7iii (Sexual Novice Twins –  corruptible), 7iiid (Sexual Novice Twins – corruptible/ on verge of corruption). Brenda and Brandon are in such state of suburbanised naivety that, on contact with the wider world, they will be both attractive to, and corruptible by, any person of any sex; but they are especially susceptible to local bad boys/ girls, their best friends’ alcoholic mothers, and older men with mysterious pasts.
I really want to tell you about category 6, Fat Twins, but I don’t want to hurl.
 
Here are some things to remember when thinking about twins:
 
1/ Twins get mixed up
2/ Babies on TV are often twins in real life
3/ Twins don’t always look the same
4/ Twins can be used to sell merchandise
5/ Even when twins look the same, one can be hotter than the other
6/ Twins are usually related 
 
Here is a list of the great twins in history:
 
 1. Romulus and Remus
 

I found this disgusting picture on 'goggle'


They invented Milan, which became the fashion central of the classical world, so they are super famous and important, like John Galliano. 
 
2. Elizabeth and Jessica Wakefield
 

when we were young! i'm still the hot one.

Probably the most amazing twins of their time, but also living proof of imbalances in nature, in that they prove that it is possible for one twin (me) to be born with a better wardrobe than the other (Liz). 

 
 
 3. Brendan and Brenda Walsh

Twins can wear waistcoats too

These guys are legendary in twin circles. Although they are not identical, which makes them not technically twins (Liz, is that correct?), they raised the bar for twin hotness. I cannot believe they were born in Minnesota. Can you believe they were born in Minnesota? I doubt the reason they moved is because Mr. Walsh got a job transfer. I bet they were called up to California by sexy headhunters.
 
4. Tia and Tamera Mowry

Sluts. That's all.

Sluts. They’re on their second TV show. When I auditioned for the Real World last year they told me that I was too young. Then I came back with ID and they said that it looked like I’d just drawn some yellow hair on a picture of a man and crossed out the name ‘Stephen’ in permanent marker. I wish we had a TV show. Liz, why don’t we have a TV show? Also, there’s something suspicious about these girls. They look exactly the same but different. Maybe they’re not long lost sisters, maybe they’re just two unrelated people who look the same. But different.
 
 
5. Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen

Mary-Kate is almost as fashion as me

Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen are the most professional twins in the business. They have a gazillion dollars in the bank, and you know they’re successful because they have their own scent. Mary-Kate and Ashley were also the most popular names for breasts in 2009.
 
 
6. Danny and Arnold Devito-Schwarzenegger
 

You can tell they're twins because of their clothes

OK I was AMAZED when I saw this documentary. They do not look similar at all. If you watch the whole thing you find out that this is because of a crazy biological thing where one baby gets all the good qualities and the other one gets all the bad ones, which leads back to mine and Liz’s wardrobe again. This might be the reason why Arnold is also the only man in history to have given birth to a baby.
 
 
7. Little Twin Stars

Something horrible is happening here

Lila got me a pencil box with these cartoons on them for my birthday one year, she said it reminded her of me. Probably because I am going to be a star. They’re super cute, but I think there’s something inappropriate going on. They are holding hands on my pencil case and the blue one has a weird smirk on his face like he’s done something wrong. Also, they live in clouds? How is that even possible? Aren’t clouds just fluffy water? And where are all the other cartoon people? Definitely suspicious.

 

8. Jason and Jeremy London

Sooooo over them

Me and Liz went on a double date with these guys in middle school. Then we found out they were high school seniors. It was gross. And Jeremy already had a girlfriend in San Francisco called Julia. Plus Jason kept asking me if I like Aerosmith. Total duds. I wonder what they’re up to now.
 
 
9. Lindsay Lohan and Lindsay Lohan

I literally don't know how this picture is possible

Lindsay Lohan is the most amazing twins ever. She literally brings her parents together again at camp, using just her cunning and weird camera angles. She’s like a one person, twin Cupid.  Except even with my admittedly faulty moral compass, I kind of think it was wrong to separate them in the first place? Couldn’t they have just been divorced but let the kids have a relationship? On a similar note, I wish Tia and Tamera had stayed separated. Sluts.  Lindsay is even better now she’s blonde and is always crashing her car – hey, that’s just like me!  Maybe she’s my real twin instead of dumb old fashion-dork Liz.  Oops sorry Liz.
 
 
10.Margot Black and Nora Chapelle

This Christmas sucked

Margot Black tried to kill us, then she died, and then she came back to life, and then she found her own twin Nora, and then she died again, and Nora tried to kill us. If this was a storyline in a book, and not real life, you would call it far-fetched.
 
The end.
 
Fix this please Elizabeth. And by the way, I’m sleeping with Todd.
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